ask and you shall receive

Imagine an 11-year-old girl. She’s a happy kid — always smiling, always cheerful. The world feels like it spins just for her. It’s about her experiences, her pain, her laughter, her wanting. Growing up in that soft world open bubble.

Sure, we’re taught to share, to be kind, to care and nurture those around us, the ones who are always there, who love us back.

But somewhere along the way, the world flips. Suddenly, people start saying the world doesn’t revolve around you. Your problems are yours. Your feelings? Yours. Your anger, your joy? Yours. How dare you expect others to feel things the way you do.

Don’t show your sadness. Don’t talk about your struggles. Don’t share your conflicts. And whatever you do — don’t brag about your wins, your happiness, your success, your joy.

Be on your island.
Take care of yourself.
Give what you have and more.
And never, ever expect anything in return.

And now, life starts to become about everyone else.
What do they think?
Am I allowed to feel this?
Should I express that?
Should I hold it in?
Should I change?
Am I wrong… for what’s simply in my mind?

And so, you grow.
You wander.
You wonder.
Can I ask myself to do something if I’m the only one affected by it?
Do I need to give more when my hands are already empty?
Can I dare to show how I really feel, without being called selfish or dramatic?

And when I look around…
I see people who are selfish.
And they seem to have everything they want.
Why don’t they feel that inner conflict when they ask for something that’s just for them?
Why do they receive so easily, while people like me stay quiet?
Why do I give them my last shirt and freeze in silence, rather than ask for a cardboard box to shield me from the cold?

It’s not because I’m selfless.
Not because I’m unshakable or fierce or independent.
It’s the opposite.

I crumble. deeper and deeper into my little world.
Beating myself up for not being enough.
For not having enough to give.
For not being more of an impact.

And here’s what I’m starting to realize:
The people who left a real impact on me?
They weren’t afraid to ask for something.
They weren’t the ones I tried so hard to please.
They were the ones who saw me. Who said, “You’re useful. You’re something.”
Not in a “you can be used” way - though yes, some of them did. And they left their mark too.

But I mean the ones who looked at me and saw value.
Saw benefit.
Saw me.

Because yes — I want to benefit others. I want them to win.
And maybe I do have a hard time saying no.
But I try my absolute best to not only show up when someone asks for help,
but to never let them see that it cost me anything.
I make it look easy. Effortless.

But here’s the twist:
Being my own island, being my own life support, means being self-sufficient with just me.
Which leaves me rarely giving out any value, any benefit.

They’re there.
They want something from me.
But I don’t need them.

I’m the giver.
I give.
I don’t ask.

I stay silently in pain, not reaching for a hand when I’m drowning.
Is it because I’m scared no one can save me —
or because I’m scared no one would even try?

That they wouldn’t wet their hands for my life.

So if I don’t ask, it’s my fault.
It’s because I wasn’t strong enough to swim.
It was my mistake. Not theirs.

It’s not their responsibility to save me.
To hold me.
To care for me.

Especially when I’ve never treated them in a way
that made them believe I needed —
or even wanted — them..